Doug Gosling was diagnosed with prostate cancer at forty-nine. "I came to realize that cancer was really two diseases in one," he says. "A physical disease of the body and also an emotional disease - a cancer of the mind, if you will."
Here is an excerpt from Doug's book: We had reached a new threshold. From that point on, there would be many more visits to the hospital - more tests, more drugs, and more side effects. There would be more results delivered with more "buts" to deal with. I would reach new milestones that simply began another countdown.
I realized that I would have to try hard to live as well as I could - to "Live Strong" in the Lance Armstrong tradition (as it was tattooed on my arm). I knew that I could never say things such as "it's only pain" anymore now that I knew what chronic pain was really like. And I knew that I could never count on treatments working for me in the same way as they did for others.
I was learning to live with a degree of pain and with chronic fatigue, searching for physical exercises that might help without making things worse, learning to lie down and rest when my body was screaming at me to slow down. I was getting used to being woken up frequently throughout the night with hot flashes, jabs of pain, or the need to pee.
I realize that I am in the endgame, and it is a game that I am not likely to win. Where the game points I have are simply the days and months and years that I have left. Whenever I see older people I feel a new sense of respect for them, although it saddens me as I realize that I will not likely see those years for myself. Some days, my own death seems so close I can almost taste it. It makes me very sad ... for me, but especially for Dianne who will have to face those years without me.
She tells me that she feels a profound sense of jealousy, anger and sadness when she sees older couples together because it reminds her that she may not have that with me. It tears me up inside whenever I see her cry over what is happening, and on those rare occasions when Caralia's strong facade breaks down and she shows her genuine emotions, it's even worse. I fear that I may not be around to be at her wedding or at the birth of her first child. I hate what this is doing to all of us.
But I do have hope. Hope for a decent quality of life. Hope for a miraculous cure. Hope for the best years I can have with my dear, dear Dianne. Hope for a good legacy for my children. There is even, way in the back of my mind, the hope that this has all been a terrible mistake. So please join me in these hopes.
If you believe in prayer, then pray for a cure, pray for my family, and pray for my mortal soul. But most of all, pray for an end to this horrible disease so that others can live the lives they deserve.
Read more about Doug's journey with Cancer on his blog Talkingaboutcancer. Order Doug's book The Wolf at My Door today.